3 Super Sexist Vintage Coffee Ads

I've been on a vintage ad binge lately, and I've got some anecdotal evidence that demonstrates that coffee ads were SO effing sexist! While I could just assume that vintage coffee ads had a thing for sexism, the reality is pretty much ALL ads had a thing for sexism. But here are three horrifying coffee ads I came across that just boggle the mind.

The first is this RAGINGLY inappropriate Chase Sanborn coffee ad that put the fear of God -- and domestic violence -- in women lest their coffee sucks. Lady, you got one job: do EVERYTHING AROUND THE HOUSE. So don't fuck up ANYTHING. Especially the coffee. And you KNOW how Hal gets about his coffee.

 
This 1972 ad for Maxim coffee was also sexist but with notes of subordination and subservience as opposed to getting your ass beaten. Beyas, who cares what you think about roasted beans, as long as your husband likes his java.
Hey lady, guess what? I know you hang a lot of your self-worth on the quality of your coffee. It seems the well-being of your marriage balances precariously on a set of depressingly unrealistic and objectifying expectations. But, dude your husband fucking HATES your coffee, and he's gonna use that as a way to withhold both emotional intimacy and sex while at the same time comparing you to other women! Sorrles!


+ Enjoy about a billion more sexist coffee ads from back in the day.

Does This Hourglass Necklace Make My Ass Look Too Steampunk?

So, like, I guess I'm steampunk now? Since I think these little functional (meaning they're miniature but they actually work!) fin de siècle charm necklaces would be quite cute layered with a few chains? I kinda like brass mixed with slightly tarnished gold. Strappy monocle goggles optional!

($32, UniqueVintage.com)

Tiny hourglass, for keeping track of tiny intervals of time!

($36, UniqueVintage.com)

Tiny compass for when you're lost in tiny places.

($36, UniqueVintage.com)

Okay, these most miniature of mini binoculars probably don't work, but if they did, you could use them to see tiny little things!

You're Lookin' At The New Owner Of A Faux Leopard Print Minnie Mouse Coat

Now how one becomes the owner of a vintage faux leopard print coat with Minnie Mouses scattered happily across is no accident. No accident at all. It's fate.

Thursday morning I was waiting for the train here in Brooklyn. Then, like a freaking ORACLE, this woman walks by wearing this faux fur coat with MINNIE MOUSES printed all over it. I noticed the coat first, and I expected her to be a batshit baglady, but she was totally pulled together and looked RAD. She was probably late-40s, early 50s, and looked like the SHIT. Anyway, I was like, what is that? Jeremy Scott? Jean-Charles de Castelbajac or something? Asish? I paused my game of Word Mole (at which I RULE, by the way), and I snapped a photo of her. Idiotically, the flash and shutter sound effect were both on. Nice one, Tams. Anyway, she didn't notice, but some people around her did. I wheeled around and walked very quickly, in a way that surely called attention to myself and my failure to be covert in any way, and I headed toward the front of the train. (And finished my Word Mole game. And I thought. I thought about that coat).

Anyway, I Googled "animal print Mickey Mouse coat" later that day, and GUYS I'M NOT KIDDING! IT CAME UP ON ETSY!!!!! Not the exact same coat, but almost. It was reserved for someone, but it looked like that someone slept on it because it'd been on hold for almost a month. I emailed the owners, Tarantula Sisters (who have some amazing vintage, btw), who confirmed that the original reserver was no longer interested (SUCKER!), and they sold it to me for $100 (someone on this Ebay message board paid $500 for one back in the day). SAME. FREAKING. DAY, guys!


Anyway, will I look like a wackadoo bag lady in it? Probably. Or a '70s pimp from a Blacksploitation flim? Or worse -- someone from Williamsburg? I'm sure. But I DON'T CARE! This jacket was MEANT to be mine. This must be how those dudes on "Pawn Stars" feel when they open a cardboard box marked that says, like Brawny paper towels on the outside, and it's filled with some total treasure on the inside. And should I happen to see that woman from the train who led me to my own treasure I'll nod in thanks... and pretend not to notice if someone takes a camera phone photo of me from behind.

Hey, Do You Have $1,250?

Good! So you can buy me this vintage Chanel letter necklace from What Goes Around Comes Around?

($1,250, vintage Chanel, shopwgaca.com)

Lace Tees and Other Pretty Little Things

Why do I suddenly want a black lace T-shirt? Seriously, why? I have no clue what I'd wear it with. I'm not the Material Girl. Or even Rihanna. So why do I have this bizarre urge? I actually almost bought this today, and then came to my senses.*


Victoria's Secret scoop-neck lace tee, $19.99. I mean, what am I gonna wear that with? I have no idea. I think I got this bee in my bonnet after days of walking by my local American Apparel store, which I have privately (and now publicly!) vowed to boycott after years of being thoroughly disgusted with their ads. It hasn't really been tough to avoid stepping in there until recently...



...when I spied this cute lace top paired with a circle chambray skirt. American Apparel leaf flower lace tee, $38.

But: boycott. Instead: vintage!


Lace fringe scrimmage top, $28, from a cute new San Francisco–based vintage shop run by a couple of stylist/bloggers called American Apocalypse. I bought it: sorry kids!


Someone should definitely buy this Polka-dot two-piece, $100, though. It's not lace but it is RAD. Even radder if you chopped off the skirt.

*I did buy the following:


Square-neck top, $19.99.


Racerback snakeprint tank, $14.99.

Must. Stop. Shopping. And yet, on this fine summer Friday, I have set for myself a mission: hiking boots! Oh yes! We're going to Yosemite in August, and I need some appropriate footwear. Here's hoping I find something even mildly cute.

Cute New Brooklyn Store Alert! Black Bear Vintage & Handmade

Guys! Yay! Listen, listen! There's a brand-new vintage boutique that just opened in Windsor Terrace. (That's in Brooklyn.) It's called Black Bear, and it's adorable. Now I'm not just writing about it because it's my best friend's store (but it helps). I'm writing about it because it's awesome and it's worth going to Brooklyn for if you don't already live there. (And if you don't live in Brooklyn, you really should). And it's even right off the train! And there's an ice cream place next door! See how easy they make it for you?

Anyway, Black Bear is a brand-new vintage boutique that sells vintage clothes, shoes and accessories at prices that are totally fair and reasonable since someone has actually WORN said clothes before. In other words, it's a great vintage selection at prices that aren't Manhattan's idea of vintage. So most everything's around $20. (!!!)

To prove to you that I'm not making this up, here's what I bought last Sunday on the first day they opened (because I like to stay on top of my vintage):


I got these two tops, a cute little handmade soap (more on that in a second), and a vintage mood ring, and it all came to just under $40.

AND they have super cuters little handmade pillows made by Black Bear's co-owner, Julia. Pillows of dachshunds with cones on their necks! And pillows with centaurs on them. And more locally sourced handmade goods. Like sweet little soaps in the shape of GUINEA PIGS! They're scented (but not like guinea pigs)! Can you even? I'd go on but I'm like braying with excitement and I'm starting to embarrass myself. Oh yeah. And the store, which occupies what used to be an old liquor store, feels like the basement from "That '70s Show." In the good way. (In the no-Ashton-Kutcher way.) And, they buy vintage too! Again, making things easy for you.

Come for the great vintage selection, stay for the bear wearing a party hat in the window.

Black Bear is located at:
469 16th Street @ Prospect Park West
Brooklyn, NY, 11215

Phone: 718.768.0250

Tues - Sun: 11:00 am - 7:00 pm

Closed Monday

Black Bear on Facebook.

Seriously.

Why Aren't I Wearing: This Vintage Frank Usher Dress?

POWER DRESSING JACKPOT! The description of this bonkersly rad 1980s dress basically parallels everything I want my life to be. (I've bolded the most attractive parts to emphasize how much they relate to everything I love and strive for.)

(Apprx $240 USD, Frank Usher, Freudianslipvintage.com)

An incredible vintage 1980's Frank Usher beaded cocktail gown, with substantial shoulder pads. Literally dripping with beading, bold silver sequins and bugle beads are encrusted across the shoulders and cuffs, and in a zig zag band across the front and back bodice. The dress is in black silk chiffon, with a sheer panel across the top of the bodice. The remainder of the dress is sprinkled throughout with sparkling black bugle beads. An exceptional dress for the party season, and in a really wearable size!

The extent to which I'm considering buying this is troubling me.

+ SWEET 1980s Frank Usher top on eBay. Remember the name "Frank Usher" and save it your eBay searches AHORA.