These 3 Pairs Of Sunglasses Need To Find Their Way Onto My Face

So many excellent new sunglasses for summer. Let's begin with these three pairs, which need to report for duty on face immediately. All three, on my face, all at once (which coincidentally sounds like a line from a Terry Richardson deposition -- and if that hasn't happened yet it's just a matter of time). 

$128, Kate Spade, Nordstrom

The relief I'd feel pulling the trigger on these Kate Spade Aviators that I don't need probably far outweighs the guilt I'd feel buying a pair of sunglasses I clearly don't need.

$280, Karen Walker, Shopbop

Ugh. I can't with these cream Karen Walker sunglasses with ARROW DETAILING on the arms. Can you? No! You can't! No one can! It's a problem.

$389, Agent Provocateur 

Agent Provocateur's purple "Poke Me" sunglasses (hee!) are the platonic ideal of old-lady chic. And if you're concerned that $389 is expensive for sunglasses, consider this: they're a buck less than Agent Provocateur's crystal whip! Is that a deal, or is that a deal, nu?

Two Perfect Summer Bags, One Hu-normous, One Small

Going somewhere cool this spring? Coachella? Berkshires? Seychelles? Bali? Virginia Beach for Passover ( <-- bitter, Jewish personal interjection)? Stuff as many parts of your life as you can in this excellent cloth weekender by Stela 9.

$275, Stela 9, Nastygal.com

$195, Rebecca Minkoff, Shopbop.com

Or... this wee little Rebecca Minkoff straw neon MAC bag... if your plans only consist of the Highline.

Perfect Shorts By Charlotte Ronson

In case you've been fast asleep in an underground bunker (and I may almost be jealous of that if it's well-air-conditioned and contains delicious foods), you may have noticed that it's HOTTER THAN ANCIENT EGYPT. Normally I avoid shorts like a mystery wet spot on an F train seat, but desperate times call for desperate measures, and even desperate-r times call for shorts.

$67.50, Charlotte Ronson, Shopbop.com

Against all foreseeable odds, I found a pair of spectacularly adorable shorts. They're by Charlotte Ronson, and they're excellent for many reason, the main one being that they're not totally flat-front, because those only look okay on children. You're a WOMAN, for Peter, Paul and Mary's sake. Accentuate your figure a little, why don't you? A slightly pleated short is TOTALLY ACCEPTABLE, and a drawstring makes waists happy. Especially if you didn't realize you had one. And the khaki camper look -- neutral shorts and a pair of moccasins or loafers is a favorite of mine. Perfect with a weekend tee or a decent-dinner silk top. Another favorite? A sale! Act now! Cute shorts half off. (Ha ha! Get it? Half off? MAN I'm hilarious.)

FASHION CHALLENGE! Jon Hamm Vs These Phillip Lim Sandals

Okay WRAP YOUR MIND AROUND THIS!

WHAT is hotter? These 3.1 Phillip Lim suede and snakeskin sandals on a wood platform:

($670, 3.1 Phillip Lim, Shopbop.com)

OR...

This outrageously paroxysmic photo of "Mad Men"'s Jon Hamm?

 

And you can only pick ONE! It's almost a trick question because NOTHING is hotter than Jon Hamm, but the heels are kinda also doing it for me. 

Two Pieces Of Jewelry I Won't Be Buying

($695, Haute Hippie, Shopbop.com)

This is some Mad Max ish that looks like someone attached some chains to road kill. And I'm uncomfortable with it.

($21.95, Neivz, Amazon.com)

Though not as uncomfortable as I am with this boobs ring! It's fine to have boobs, and fine to have rings, but I'm uncomfortable standing having arrived at the intersection of both. It's an intersection that just doesn't need to exist.

Nobody Does A Bikini Better Than Mara Hoffman

($170, Mara Hoffman, Shopbop.com)

I need a bikini like I need... I don't know. A pair of pink Uggs or something. I will probably never see the water this summer, which I'll be spending under the fluorescent lights of my office. Just like I spent the past 10 summers! But if I were in the market for a bikini, nobody does it better than Mara Hoffman. Right, Carly Simon? Baby you're the best.

The American Retro Elvis Blazer Got All 'West Side Story On Me'

I was shopping in the always-fabulous Dear Fieldbinder when I happened upon this pin-studded beige blazer by American Retro.

($436, American Retro, Shopbop)

The record skipped and stopped, the skies parted, a fire escape descended from the ceiling and suddenly, I found myself wearing a virginal lilac nightgown and demure ballet flats, singing this:

New Shoes! Louise Goldin For Topshop Studded Heels

I wish Blogger had a "likes this" button. Because I'd be hitting it HARD over these Louise Goldin for Topshop studded heels.


They're $310 at Topshop.com. The black and rose ones (the rose are my faves) are online February 5, and the cream ones are available beginning March 2010. All of the Louise Goldin heels hit Topshop in New York in late March.

OR, if you can't wait, pick up some Rock & Republic needle-heel Nika heels

($295, Rock & Republic, Footcandyshoes.com)

... Or Kenna, the gorgeous boot version of Nika. It's on SUPER-DUPER sale at Shopbop.

($297, Rock & Republic, Shopbop.com)