Christian Louboutin's Roxane Handbags Will Hurt You Like In A Christian Grey Way

I like my handbags the opposite of the way I like everything else in my life: DANGEROUS. Which is why I'm answering the siren call of Christian Louboutin's hazardously spiked Roxane handbags. What good is a purse if it doesn't cause a little pain? Wait, WHAT's gotten into me? And am I really admitting to the blog-reading PUBLIC that I actually read the steaming turd that is "Fifty Shades Of Grey"? WHO AM I? WHY, GOD WHY? WHAT HAPPENED TO ME? I USED TO BE COOL AND DISCRIMINATING AND TOO GOOD FOR SHIT LIKE A REAL NEW YORKER!

Anyway, while I deal with my pedestrian tastes, let's get back to the bags -- at $2495, I'm actually in no danger of so much as even encountering one IRL. I'll just submissively admire from afar.

REVEALED: I Bought These Christian Louboutin Clou Noeud Spikes!

($1195, Christian Louboutin, Barneys)

Oops. I confused "I bought these" with "I'd look really amazing in these." Sorry. Won't happen again.

Discount Vs. Designer: Matiko Does Christian Louboutin's Rollerball Studded Loafers!

Christian Louboutin, or, as Paris Hilton likes to say, Christian Loubuiton's studded Rollerball loafers have been on my fantasy fashion wish list for a fortnight. Obviously, since they're a grand, they're staying in the realm of the virtual and not the actual. BUUUUT, thanks to Matiko, a less-bad-ass version -- their "Leila" studded loafers -- could be mine for just $119. And guess what? THEY WILL! Just try and WATCH me not buy 'em!

($995, Christian Louboutin, Saks)

($119, Matiko, Solestruck.com)

And Christian Louboutin's Zebra Pack studded loafers will top my fantasy fashion list probably forever. They're like the late, great Mark Bolan in shoe form.